It has been almost six years since Rose started this blog. We were a year into our lives in Fort McMurray and getting ready to start the process of buying our first home with Nathaniel. We were a family of four and outgrowing our two bedroom apartment. Those eyes staring out at you from the top of this page had changed everything. In the last six years so much has changed in our lives and this blog has served as a window into our souls as we ride the roller coaster of life. I could never write as profoundly and beautifully as Rose does but she reminds me that we’re in this together so I will try.
Five years ago we said our final goodbyes to Milo. Five years. There are people that say time heals all wounds but I haven’t found it to be true. Not this one. Never have I known a period of time to feel like an eternity and a blink of the eye all at the same time. What I have found in the last five years is that losing a child doesn’t fade or become easier to bear. Not after a year, not after three, not after five. Instead it lurks in the shadows, always in the back of your mind, waiting for such a time to come crashing back to the forefront of your every thought. I can only imagine that this might be hard for some of you to understand and that’s ok. Let me try to explain at least one example of the daily struggle(and some days are easier than others). You know those milestones in life that you like to celebrate? The ones that bring you great joy and a euphoric high that you don’t think you’ll ever come down from? They’re hard. When you have other children that you’re watching grow into wonderful little humans there are plenty of moments that make you proud and it’s hard. Because the imagination can be terribly vicious.
I often find myself wondering what Milo would be doing, what he’d be accomplishing, and the impact he’d be having on other peoples lives. He touched people deeply in 14 months and I wonder what kind of boy he’d be at 6. I wonder what kind of trouble him and Jude would be finding to get into on the farm. Would he play the piano, what would his favourite farm animal be, what tv show would he beg to watch in the morning, what would he want to be when he grows up, what would his relationship be with his younger siblings, and the list goes on and on and on.
The last time we went back to Ontario with Milo it was the fall and we went to Appleland, a beautiful farm outside of London, that is meant as a place for families to pick apples and enjoy time together. We took so many pictures there and at the time we had no idea we’d buy a farm someday. It just seems fitting, I guess, that we have such an opportunity to build Barefoot Meadows to be a place that we can bless others and give them a place to build memories. Because sometimes memories are all that you have left.
Miss you Milo, until we meet again.